My Indigenous Life

Life, for many of us, is a series of chapters – sometimes gentle, often harsh, and always transformative. As I reflect on my own journey, I find that love and loss have been some of my greatest teachers. I want to share a part of my story with you, in hopes that it resonates and brings comfort if you’re navigating something similar.

Living with Love and Loss

For 27 years, I lived with Tau (Samoan, on the right of the picture). We have 3 beautiful children together and I literally grew up with this man. It was a relationship that taught me about companionship, resilience and hope, but also about the slow erosion of love. With Tau, my heart was chipped away piece by piece over the years – small hurts, disappointments, and unmet needs accumulating over time. By the end, when my heart was finally shattered, I realized I was hurt, but the love was already gone. The loss was gradual, almost expected, and in a way, I had time to build up my defenses.

I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get that part of myself back. It had been years of disappointment and loneliness, so when we finally ended our relationship, I swore off love, marriage and the belief that I was going to find my ever after. There’s a unique pain in losing love, especially when so much of your life and identity is interwoven with another person. I carried that emptiness with me, unsure if it would ever truly heal.

Rediscovering Love

Then, 5 years later, unexpectedly, I found myself opening up again—with Donovon (Kwakiutl, on left side of picture). He was so quiet, yet carried such a huge, beautiful presence that drew me in. I was surprised by how deeply I fell in love, how fully I gave my heart to him. It was wholehearted, different than before, and brought me a sense of joy I thought I’d lost for good. I truly believed I had found my “ever after.” I let myself dream, to hope again, and to love with everything I had. For 2 years I felt a happiness I had never experienced before.

Looking back, I realize I did all this without really knowing his whole story. His quietness, which I first saw as a gentle personality trait, turned out to be something deeper: a lack of communication, an unwillingness to make firm decisions, set boundaries, or share expectations. As time went on, I began to realize that much of this stemmed from things in his own past – wounds and experiences he hadn’t fully dealt with. Those unresolved parts of his story shaped how he showed up in our relationship, making it difficult for him to open up, commit, or truly share himself with me. I didn’t see the red flags. I didn’t understand what was happening beneath the surface.

And then, as unexpectedly as it began, it ended. Donovon walked out on our relationship, and once again, I was left with a broken heart. This time, there was no gradual unraveling – no time to prepare or brace myself. I was completely caught off guard, it knocked me to my knees, and I was as raw and vulnerable as I’ve ever been. My heart was shattered all at once, and this time, I was still in love.

The pain was familiar, but layered with the realization that healing isn’t always linear. For every day that I felt strong and hopeful, there seemed to be twice as many days when the pain and doubt crept back in. Old wounds would resurface in unexpected ways, and insecurities would run wild – just when I thought I had finally moved past them.

The Impact of Heartbreak

Heartbreak can affect every part of your life – your confidence, your sense of self, your willingness to trust. It’s easy to let those wounds define you, to close yourself off and resolve never to risk that kind of pain again. I’ve felt the temptation to do just that – again: to build walls, to keep my heart safe by keeping it hidden and closed.

But as I reflect on my experiences, I realize that each loss, as painful as it was, also taught me about resilience. It reminded me that my capacity to love is a strength, not a weakness. That even when my heart feels broken beyond repair, there’s always the possibility of healing – sometimes in ways I don’t expect.

Moving Forward with Resolve

It’s natural to want to protect yourself after heartbreak, to promise you’ll never let yourself be that vulnerable again. But I’ve learned that closing off my heart only leads to more loneliness, not less pain. Instead, I’m choosing to move forward with openness and hope.

Here’s what helps me:

Allowing myself to grieve: Heartbreak deserves to be felt, not ignored.

Leaning on family: Sharing my story with close family, without judgement, reminds me I’m not alone.

Honoring my resilience: Each time I heal, I become stronger and more compassionate – with myself and with others.

Staying open to love: Even after loss, I believe in the beauty of connection and the possibility of joy.

My “heartbreak” healing journey isn’t over, and I know there will be more ups and downs ahead. But I’m learning that living fully means embracing love, loss, and everything in between. I hope that by sharing my story, you find comfort and courage for your own path – wherever it may lead.

Please feel free to leave a comment or share your story!